HIS Testimony

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16”

Done. I memorized the verse everyone should know by now …or so I thought. As I look back I come to realize that I treated every aspect of my life as a to do list including the “spiritual”.

 I was born in Mexico and moved to Texas at the age of two. At the age of 3 my brother was born …I not his biggest fan then. My family was your typical Mexican-American family. I had a hard working dad and a mother that worked just as hard as he did. Through out the years my brother and I went through 4 different Nannies’. Some were nice others, not so much never the less. my brother and I knew we were loved by our parents if they didn’t they would not be working as hard “Right?”.  My parents were so busy they had no time for church but that did not stop them from sending us to a Catholic Church through a “Sunday School Bus." I remember going every Sunday and knowing the leaders of the church. I never missed a day until I began to get sick. As a child I had many surgeries that did not allow me to attend school or church as soon as I recuperated I would go, Attendance was very important to me. At an early age I developed a love for being well liked. I loved being the teachers pet. To me it was a good thing. I had all A’s, I was well behaved, I did everything I was asked to do and then some … “I was the PERFECT Kid”.  As I grew older I began to realize that in order to be loved I had to be good… always. In order to be successful I had to work twice as hard and know twice as much. And God …we’ll he could help me accomplish that. He was a bonus to me. If I had the ultimate good guy on my side I was bound to always come first...Right? 

At the age of 15 my family decided to become Lutheran because of certain issues concerning the cultural tradition of a “Quincenera”. So I went to this now new church on Wednesday’s and Sunday’s. I loved it although it had less people. I was the only one there that was my age except for the Pastor’s Grandson, but he didn’t seem to be interested at all in Jesus. I saw this as an open door, a great opportunity to become everyone's favorite. The pastor of the church was a woman and I looked up to her. I began to read the bible more and equip myself with scripture to impress her. It didn’t take long before I was the “Church’s Daughter”.

I loved the fact that everyone would go to me for help. I was what you call a people pleaser. I swear if they had a trophy for such a thing I would definitely have my eye on it. At school there wasn’t much of a difference. My teachers loved me and I really genuinely cared for them. I wanted them to be proud of me. I got involved in anything the school offered, Varsity Tennis, Raiderettes, Drama, Choir,  National Honor Society, Key Club, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, I was either in the front row performing or leading the club. I had to be number one; if I wasn’t my best I was not good enough for God. If I messed up in any way I thought it was because God was punishing me for some sort of sin I had done and so in order to get back in his good graces I had to “PROVE” myself to be worthy.

Preparing for college was the so much fun for me during my junior to senior year I began to visit the University of Texas A&M at College Station. No other school wanted me more than they did. So when I was accepted I had to enroll before I even graduated. I began going to A&M summer of 07’ and I loved it. I made new friends quick. College Station depending on the drive was 5-8 hours away from people who knew me, here I could be whoever I wanted to be. I was free to stay up late and hang out with whomever I wanted. So I began to go out every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night. On one occasion I drank more than I thought I could handle and I got Alcohol Poisoning. I did not remember a thing. I had bruises on my body, because friends were pinching me, I was not responding, my chest was hurting supposedly because I was given CPR at one point I was not breathing. No one wanted to loose their scholarships so no one made the 911 call. That was definitely not only embarrassing but it shook me. I became fearful of all the strikes I was making towards God. I began to go to a catholic church at A&M it was walking distance from my dorm.

But that did not last, I went back to habitual sin of partying with friends and drinking “once in a while”…I had it under control. 

God calling....

During the Fall semester a girl by the name of Kristy Robinson came approached me asking me if I wanted a freshmen survival kit. It was a laundry bag that contained a bible, a cd with Christian music, and a book called Blue like Jazz. She was really nice and genuinely wanted me to meet with her. She was the wife of a leader there who was starting a new organization called Destino. I thought Yay a religious organization! Finally I get to act good and read some scripture. But it was far from that.

Destino had bible studies and women’s community groups and the questions went deep. So deep that at times it made me uncomfortable.

Destino just wasn’t as fun as Saturday Nights.... so I simply stopped going.

When I went back to school the next semester I began to talk to my old friends from Destino while still going out with friends on the weekends. One weekend I will never forget. It was January 28 and I met friend of a friend. After going to a club she asked me if I would accompany her to a friends apartment they were having a party. I decided to go with this new person , and I drank …A lot. The night to me was a blur of no, wait, and hold on. I remember being dropped off in my dorm room and waking up to the surreal thought of “I have been abused.” I did not understand what had really happened …what I had allowed to happen. I felt disgusting in the eyes of God I remember asking my friend Claudia to ask God if He would forgive me for allowing  a stranger to take something that God held so high. The one perfection I was holding on to was gone and I thought I was doomed to hell. There was no way he wanted me now. I had shamed Him and I was no longer able to redeem myself.

 For weeks I did not eat I did not sleep, I entered a depression that was so dark and deep I began to punish myself I would cut to feel physical pain because the emotional pain I was excruciating. I wanted to just die. One day my friend Claudia knocked on my door and told me to meet her discipler from Destino. I said ok. Kalese took me and Claudia to a marble slab. After she had bought us icecream she asked me what was really wrong. I told her everything that had happened….. 

“And that is why God can’t love me anymore.” I said. I can’t do enough goods to be forgiven! And then she said the verse that would pierce my heart with honest truth.                    

I could not believe that my salvation came solely from JESUS dying on the cross for me. God’s Grace was enough, and good works had nothing to do with him loving me. It hit me like bricks…God so loved me and gave his only son for me! No good work was ever good enough and never will be. Faith without works is dead – James 2:14 Good works do not save me but Christ mercy and grace drives me to do good works for His glory because HE has loved me first.

The next year while I reluctantly came back to UTPA. I didn't have a community yet in His grace God allowed be to begin the ministry that is now Destino. I am not worthy at all to be used by him. But that’s just the thing I am not at all worthy, I'm a failure, I am selfish, I am so ignorant of His Love yet HE loves me to the very point of death. My heart cannot contain itself from telling people what He has done for me. What HE has done for all of us. There is no limit to his love.

I surrendered my life to Christ at the age of 19 . It hasn’t been at all easy. I stumbled many times before I truly laid it all down, He tells us in “Psalm 37:24 “Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.”

Every step of the way He is with us. And though our walk as Christian may be painful he reminds us “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.’- 1 Peter 5:10 His promises are my comfort, there is great joy in that. He has blessed me with a church called Logos Community, where I feel protected and truly loved, not judged but rather convicted and edified. I am no longer in bondage of trying to please people or trying to be accepted. The Lord has done amazing things he does not have to use me, or even show me His wonderful works but he chooses to do so because He is the father who enjoys to see His children work with Him  and for His Glory.  He has allowed me to work in ministries and equipped me with a heart of toil. He has taken me to places such as the Dominican Republican where he revealed so much truth. He has kept me in the valley, in this city to fight! I know in my heart that I am called to serve, and pour out in love.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the Excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. – 1 Peter 2:9

I could never go back to the darkness… and when I feel as if though I am drowning He reminds me that the Cross floats. Again I rejoice for I am saved by His Grace, Mercy and LOVE! The love that Jesus poured out on the cross so that I may live. I am the king of Kings Daughter, whom He calls His Beloved and I am forever His.